Saturday, February 7, 2009

Life getting in the way

It seems like I have had a lot going on in the last week or so. This has really shown here, where I haven't been in a while. Part of that is I have nothing new done so nothing new to post.
We are having some issues with my oldest daughters real father. He doesn't even deserve to be called that. He was out of the picture for 10 years, I never once said anything bad to Tori about him. For the last two years he has been in her life, all I have heard is how awful I am and how I ruined his and his wife's life.
Everything I did, I did with my daughters best interests at heart. I never did anything to be vengeful of him. She has been angry at me for years for him not being there. She held him on a pedestal, thrilled that he was back in her life.
He disappointed her on her birthday and Christmas this year, she didn't call him till Mike forced her to the other day. He made her feel guilty and I called him on it.
All the lies he told her and the blame he lays on me came out again, thrown in my face but this time in front of Tori. Up until now and even through all of this, I let her make her own decision of how to feel towards him. But what I won't do is stand idly by while he makes her feel bad.
His last words to her were you can look me up when you turn 18, he took her off his friends list and won't return her calls. His and his wife's inability to get over the past means he can't move forward to have a relationship with Tori. It disgusts me that someone can make the conscious choice to walk away from their own flesh and blood because he didn't like what I had to say when I stood up to him for my daughter.
It breaks my heart, not that he is out of the picture, but that he hurt her in a way she will carry with her for the rest of her life. She is hurt beyond measure and I can't fix this. I can't make him see that part of being a parent is sacrificing what we want for what is best for our children.
He has made it clear to me that he is also blaming me for this, I told Tori lies to make her hate him. Too bad he won't even hear Tori out to find out the real reason she is angry. No matter where he places the blame, he did this to himself. Tori is broken hearted and it will be Mike and I picking up the pieces. I hope she chooses to take this as a learning experience and that she will be a stronger person for it instead of being bitter and blaming everyone else for what bad things happened to her.


Papermasks said...

Speaking as someone who blamed my mother for my father being absent then who was given the chance to find out what he was like when he decided to play "daddy" again and who spent years denying his abuse and realizing as an adult what a useless person he really was...I definitely feel what you are going through. It hurts me to hear your story as it's like looking in a mirror.

To be blunt, he is being a passive-aggressive ass, and I truly hope your girl sees that for what it is. It took me a long, long time to break the cycle of guilt/abuse my father reaped upon me. I sincerely hope she realizes that you were there when he wasn't. That he was willing to give his girl up on a petty tantrum. That's not fatherhood. Her father is the man standing beside you through the pain.

I truly, in my heart, believe she will see that one day.

Papermasks said...

If you ever need to just unload about it to someone who "gets it", drop me a line.

Jax said...

Thanks for your encouraging words! I know she will pull through it, she is a smart girl and we will be here to support her every step of the way.

Plant Freak said...

My boys "dad" has not seen his children (or supported tehm in any way) for 10 years as well. My biggest fear is that he will show up again full of lies and take advantage of them. I think you did the right thing, your daughter had to see for herself what he was. Now she can have some sort of closure with his absence. It's so sad that she has to go through it though.

Giggles said...

This could be my story verbatim! Is he bipolar? He is emotionally immature. She is a child he is the parent yet he treats her like they're on the same level. Had you, which I know you haven't made her bitter she would see the truth in adulthood. The reasons we have to divorce them seems to constantly crop up in our child's life. Men of little effort I call them. My daughter is 23, married, and he still disappoints. Fortunately she grew up wonderfully and is more emotionally mature than he is. She is traveling as I write this to meet all his family and discover the family dynamic to decipher why he's so screwed up!
I know full well how you feel, it's hard to imagine this as never ending......if only we could save our children this pain!

Big virtual hug

Karen Salva said...

Hope this cheers you up a bit! You just won my OWOH giveaway! Have to be quick here though, I am off to work until 9pm!!

Corrine said...

Hi Jax,
I've sent you an email, You're won my OWOH giveaway. Please get in touch so I can send you your prize.

Jax said...

Thank you all for your nice comments. It is such a shame that there are so many out there with similar stories. There is some good in all of this in that my relationship with Tori is mending now that she is no longer angry at me for everything that happened and while I wish we could have done it without her being hurt by him, I think this will really make our bond that much stonger. And Yay for winning goodies, that always makes my day!

Cheryl said...

So sorry to hear your daughter is having a hard time with this situation. I hope that she is able to heal as time goes on.